That wasn’t fun while it lasted, or, a review of WWE Summerslam

The WWE will be coming to my town for Wrestlemania next year and truth be told, I am looking forward to it. But when the larger pro wrestling events come, it’s described as “the WWE invades your town.” And that’s exactly what Summerslam last night felt like — despite two new champions crowned in Finn Balor and Charlotte Flair — something that lasted so long it was almost against your will.

Summerslam was like a luau. It sounds cool, but the food and decor doesn’t fit your lifestyle and who gives a damn about the hula dancers, my joints are stiff from sitting with my legs crossed for six hours and there’s sand in my butt.

Consider that the WWE extended its programming for Summerslam to Wrestlemania length, up to four hours for the event, plus a two-hour kickoff show, and that doesn’t even count Saturday’s NXT Takeover (consider that something like a Triple-A baseball game), and a Friday WWE-themed concert. Even for a town that bathes in its own excess such as New York, it was far too much. That’s nine hours of wrestling, plus who knows how much music I don’t listen to?

By the time Summerslam actually kicked off, the audience was on its final can of Red Bull because they had nothing. For that matter, it felt as if the bookers for the show and many of the wrestlers had little left in the tank, too.

They need a day off. Only they won’t get one because Raw is on tonight — three more hours to consume in Brooklyn. And those three hours won’t even address the two most-pressing questions I have:

  1. What was the deal with John Cena’s post-loss reaction to A.J. Styles?
  2. Does Randy Orton have any blood left in his body?

Because those are Smackdown brand wrestlers. That show comes about Tuesday.

Let’s get the good out of the way first:

1) Styles-Cena. Two consummate professionals performed a match of about 40 minutes with lots of high spots, believable near falls, excellent storytelling and a clean finish win for Styles, a nice reminder that the guy is more than a traditional cowardly heel.

2) Chris Jericho-Kevin Owens def. Enzo-Big Cass. I’m in the minority when I say I don’t particularly care for a lot of NXT call ups, especially Enzo-Cass. Don’t get me wrong, if Roman Reigns had one-third of the mic ability of Enzo Amore, he’d be worth that two-year push WWE has forced on us all. But the majority of their matches have been about Cass steamrolling other teams for two minutes and Enzo running his mouth for 15.

Jericho and Owens? Man, I can’t say enough about them. We often talk about somebody being a man’s man, a doctor’s doctor, a mechanic’s mechanic, etc. Either of those two are a wrestler’s wrestler. Their versitiliy makes them valuable and entertaining in any type of match. And this combination finishing move was outstanding.

3) Charlotte def. Sasha Banks. Even if Banks weren’t injured, I think this is the right call. Owens and Charlotte have been the two best NXT promotions by far. Banks, she’s a strong worker but I still don’t get why people see her as a face when she talks like a self-absorbed heel. At least Charlotte embraces that role, and she excels at it. She gets some of the loudest boos I’ve ever heard.

4) Finn Balor def. Seth Rollins. A strong match in front of a crowd that kind of wanted to go home but hung on in case anything really great happened. But it wasn’t particularly great. It was just really good, so the crowd amused itself by booing the hideous new “universal title” belt.

There were five other matches aside from these 3 1/2 good ones, which means a lot of crap that just didn’t justify 4-6 hours staring at your tablet. And the final two matches never quite materialized, leaving the crowd angry and confused. Fortunately, I was drunk by then and could walk 12 steps to my bed. Those poor people in Brooklyn had to take their respective subways home.

Nobody can figure out why Roman Reigns vs. Rusev was booked after all title matches were held. Even worse, I don’t think anyone can explain why technically the match never happened, as Reigns simply attacked Rusev before the bell and was “ejected” from the ring.

That couldn’t have happened before Balor-Rollins?

Also, we’re left wondering why a match that was billed as more than a decade in the making — Brock Lesnar-Orton — was stopped when Lesnar opened an impressive gash in Orton’s head. I know I can’t be too old-school when I say this: Wrestlers used to bleed profusely all the time in my day. Now it’s a TKO?

I feel bad about speculating, because apparently Orton needed 10 staples to his head to close the gash. But consider the importance of this match to the company.

This match was billed as a bragging rights match over which of WWE’s shows has superior talent. WWE has tried to revive Smackdown after more than a year of irrelevancy, and now one of its biggest names loses by TKO? That’s a horrible ending.

The less said about Dean Ambrose successfully defending his title against Dolph Ziggler, the better. Nobody will remember to say anything about The Miz defending his title against Apollo Crews. Maybe we’ll remember that Nikki Bella returned from a major spine injury for a six-woman tag-team match that had no stakes to it other than it featured a lot of pretty athletic women. (Now that I think of it, why was a nondescript match like this also held after a women’s championship match?)

Also, now is a good time to admit we want Jon Stewart to tell jokes from behind a desk, not muddying up a tag-team match between The New Day and Gallows & Anderson.

The entire show was a confused pile of stuff, much like what I feel like I’m writing now.

If Wrestlemania in Orlando is anything like this, I’m going to swear off wrestling. It was that bad.

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