Happy Monday. If you’re like me, you’re a little hung over.
I sat in the parking lot of the Burger King in Sanford, Fla., desperately searching Twitter to see if the Dodgers finally realized a pitching rotation of one and an underperforming outfield isn’t going to cut it and upgrade the team with a trade. Of course, they didn’t. After all, the Dodgers only paid their player personnel guy $35 million. What did they expect him to do, work?
So blockbuster trades to end a 28-year World Series drought, no. But on the plus side, it’s #NationalGirlfriendDay.
It’s a plus because I don’t have a girlfriend.
Seriously, what does that say about women who are in relationships that they would choose a Monday as a day where they should be celebrated? Women ain’t stupid. They know damn well everybody is in a mood that borders between light misery and talk-me-down-off-the-bridge. So stupid? No.
But needy? Apparently.
It’s not that’s hate women. Not at all. I’ve worked under the counsel of female supervisors. As a comedian, I told jokes with funny women. I write books and desperately need the advice of women, because if you walk through a Barnes & Noble, they’re full of ’em.
But special? After all of these special days, months, etc., that encourage us all to contemplate alleged “female superiority,” I think it’s time to admit that woman aren’t that special. Not in America. Not anymore. If you keep creating special days, it adds up to one ordinary existence.
Women have “days” in abundance for them. We already know about Valentine’s Day. Who are you kidding? Men aren’t Valentines. Moreover, if you were too stupid to wear a rubber, your girlfriend also gets her due on Mother’s Day.
There’s a Women’s History Month in March, which is California’s latest silly attempt to think that anyone will pay attention to a cause for an entire month. There’s even an International Women’s Day, which to be real, I don’t have a problem with because the United Nations every so often needs to remind Pakistan and China to cool it.
At least all of these other special days — unlike #NationalGirlfriendDay — come at times where a man can at least get come to grips with the start of another work week. This is why a bigender commission of social media experts specifically chose WomanCrushWednesday — or #WCW to those ahead-of-the-curve types like me call it. By the time Wednesday rolls around, most of us are in a better mood. A couple of free days are ahead. How optimistic! Maybe I will run into Selena Gomez.
So anyway, I took a moment and ran the numbers of “special” times of year and we have 86 days every single year that are designed to make women feel good about themselves — and that’s before adding #NationalGirlfriendDay. We spend almost one-fourth of the year flogging ourselves over how great women are.
And that doesn’t include the percentage of time I spend hating myself for being Irish.
So hell no, today isn’t #NationalGirlfriendDay. It’s #MLBTradeDeadline day.
I await to be thoroughly disappointed again, Dodgers.